~A Day in the Life of a Dark Lord~
This new day wasn’t particularly dreadful, it actually started out rather wonderfully. Though the sun had still not peaked above the horizon, the birds had already begun to chirp and sing as they congregated in the trees and there was a general air of things being well and truly right.
However, there was a prevailing notion within the castle that it would turn out to be one of those days. Gordon’s bunny rabbit slippers slapped against his feet as he walked through the cold, stone hallways of the castle. He scratched at the small of his back, his eyes barely half-open. The kitchen was now twelve leagues away from the bedroom, up from ten leagues just last year. Or so it seemed.
He arrived in the kitchen after just over five minutes, a new record for most time yet taken. The coffee pot was swept up and piping hot coffee was poured into Gordon’s favorite mug. Something plopped into the mug. This happened several times. Gordon picked up the cup and examined it closely, his brows tightening into a scowl. Several wads of something dreadful bobbed to the surface. The coffee went down the drain and the coffee maker went out the nearest window, making a sound exactly like that of a coffee pot crashing through an antique stained-glass window. Gordon didn’t care.
A distinct odor filled the air in the kitchen, but Gordon couldn’t locate what it was. Something burning, perhaps? A thin wisp of smoke rose from the toaster. He ran over to it and tried to pull out the flaming slices of toast, but only succeeded in burning his fingers. He growled and pressed the release button. Nothing happened. He pressed it again. The toaster sat motionless as more wisps of smoke rose from its metallic depths.
He grabbed the toaster and lifted it above his head. The toaster also went out the window, which was, fortunately, open this time. It flew through the air and landed out on the lawn, where it sat motionless for a time. With a dull click, the tiny springs ejected two pieces of burnt toast onto the ground.
This is definitely the most light-hearted of the short-stories in this collection. The basic idea here was to explore satire, focusing on Gordon, who is meant to be frightening and horrible but who simply comes across as mildly amusing to the locals. Mostly its a satire of the fantasy genre, although I do throw in a few nods to role-playing games, as well, just for good measure. It was easily the most fun to write and, even for myself, to reread again. The tone really let me go a little wild here, just break loose from some of my darker and more serious works and see where these characters led me.